A Crude Joke
by Adelie King
Summary: Without his knowledge, Jack O'Neill unkowingly helps Janet Frasier play a raunchy, nasty joke on Samantha Carter...WARNING QUESTIONABLE PREMISE...Alternate Comedy Universe
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Stargate SG1, characters, settings etc. are property of their owners. No copyright infringement is intended. Original characters and plots are property of the author. No profit is being made from the fiction.

**A Crude Joke**  
by Adelie King

**Chapter One: A Sick Idea**

Dr. Janet Frasier and Major Samantha Carter had been playing jokes on each other and it made each of them laugh immensely. Recently for Frasier's birthday Sam had a birthday cake made with an edible male appendage on it. Then they tried to get her to go down on it which she wouldn't. The whole base got a laugh over that one.

Frasier was determined that vengeance was hers after the last one Sam pulled. So she sat and started thinking of what she could do for Sam's birthday. _Hmmm...A male stripper…a porno on the TV…buy her a huge vibrator as a present… _

Janet was scanning through a bunch of products at _Adam & Eve_ adult products online and stumbled onto a penis molder called a _Clone a Willy Kit. _Frasier just died out laughing all of a sudden when the cruelest joke she ever devised popped into her head. She wickedly thought _I wonder what she'd do if I gave her a copy of Colonel O'Neill's member? _Like he'd go along with it… _If she doesn't know he might and it'd be even funnier. _

Frasier picked up the phone and called Colonel O'Neill to her office. He was there within thirty minutes and soon as he saw her he teased. "Enjoy your birthday cake doc…"

"Oh I would've liked it better if it wasn't so small." Janet retaliated.

"Ooh…you got me." His hand hit his chest as if he had been shot in reaction. "So what exactly am I here for? A large needle in my ass again." Jack remarked.

"No I want to play a joke on Sam for her birthday and I've rightfully earned my vengeance after that cake." She vindictively told him and hinted, "And I want you to help me…"

"Really?", O'Neill was intrigued and crossed his arms smirking, "What exactly do you have in mind?"

"You'd better shut the door before I tell you…" Janet warned with a wicked grin.

He closed the door commenting, "Oh this is going to bad I can tell. What do you want to do?"

Frasier tapped her finger tips and then asked him, "Have you ever heard of one of these Colonel?" She turned the monitor towards him pointing to the erection molding kit.

Jack leaned over and saw the _Clone a Willy Kit_ and his eyebrows hit his hair line. "No Way!! You're not making a copy of my dick for Carter as a joke!!" He waved his hands frantically in front of him backing up to the door.

"How would she know if we didn't tell her?" Janet logically pointed out, "Just think about her using it without knowing it's a copy of yours." She started laughing.

"There's no way I'm letting you look or get near my hard dick unless it's for medical reasons such as a priapism and NOW…" He emphasized, "I'd be more likely to go to the urologist in town." O'Neill told her adamantly, "The only copy of my dick Carter will have or will ever have will be the original when that happens."

"I figured that's what your response would be Colonel." Frasier crossed her arms grinning at him. Then she tries to manipulate by remarking. "Funny even men that are well endowed are still ashamed of their equipment." She looked down in emphasis.

He puts his index fingers up telling her straight out, "I have absolutely no shame over my equipment whatsoever. I consider him a private thing to me and for a very few select ladies who are given the rare honor to see it!" O'Neill then ended this idea quick, "When Carter finally gets to be the one and only in years to see, handle, go down on or fuck it. It will be the real deal end of story!!" He stormed out in abruptly bringing the matter and plan of hers to a close.

Janet Frasier wasn't dissuaded that easily and she already had a plan to get her mold anyway with or without his consent.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Stargate SG1, characters, settings etc. are property of their owners. No copyright infringement is intended. Original characters and plots are property of the author. No profit is being made from the fiction.

**A Crude Joke**  
by Adelie King

**Chapter Two: Frasier's Plan of Attack**

Frasier had ordered a _Clone- A- Willy Kit_ from the adult shop anyway and got it within a week at her house. She sort of borrowed the key to O'Neill's house from Sam without her knowledge so she could let herself inside.

Later that evening, she put on a black cat suit and headed over to the Colonel's house. She had a tranquilizer and a Viagra Syringe packed with the molding kit in a bag.

When O'Neill finally went to bed, she let herself in and snuck into his room. He was asleep so she gave him a tranquilizer to make sure he remained asleep. Then she gave him the shot of Viagra to give him an erection. Within a half hour he was fully erect and he was dead to the world asleep.

Frasier carefully maneuvered his sweats and boxers down freeing his erection. She followed the directions of the box, took the mold and removed it when it was finished. _I hope this works. _She thought as she went in the bathroom getting a soapy wash cloth.

Frasier started cleaning his privates off. As she wiped him down he moaned, "Oh Carter…" Her hand jerked back. _So much for pulling his pants back up._ Janet thought anxiously packed everything and crept out of his house as if she had never been there.

Except she left his boxers and blanket down because she couldn't risk him waking catching her there. Janet figured he'd think he just fell asleep relieving himself something. She so wished she could tell Carter he moaned her name while she was there.

Janet got home with the mold and poured the liquid rubber into it. The directions instructed it had to set a few hours so she decided to just go to bed and check it in the morning.

The next morning after she took Cassie to school, Frasier pulled the mold out of the can and examined it. _WOW! That's Amazing! _She marveled at the fantastic detail the mold made and she just about fell down laughing, "Boy Sam's going to kill me for this joke at her party…"

Yeah…but O'Neill was going to do something unspeakable if he found out she used his dick for the mold. And if Sam figured it out there was going to be hell to pay for Janet.

Late morning Jack had woken up with his boxers down and he was intimately exposed. He felt like he was groggy unable to wake up and could barely move. His manhood was also painfully erect, not just normally erect. O'Neill tried to sit up but felt woozy so he just collapsed on his back and crashed out again.

At the base everyone became concerned about Jack because he hadn't arrived yet. He also hadn't phoned in either and it was at the end of the day. So Sam decided to go over and check on him for everyone.

When she got there she knocked on the door and he didn't answer. After ten minutes, she finally let herself in and searched the house. Carter finally found him sprawled out on the bed with his boxers still down and his erection exposed, "OH MY GOD!!" Her eyes grew immediately and she freaked out whirling around embarrassed facing the wall.

Jack abruptly sat up wide awake, "Wha!!" He saw Sam with her back to him and asked, "Carter?" He yawned, "What are you doing here?"

"Uh…Sir?" She pointed her hand behind her back at him politely keeping her back to him. "Your pants are down…"

"OH MY GOD!!" He yanked his boxers and sweat pants up immediately. Jack was now just as beet red as Sam.

"I'm sorry Sir.. I'll go…" She apologized having one hand over her eyes while trying to feel her way out of the bedroom with the other one.

"Carter…it's alright." O'Neill crawled out of bed on to the floor, "My pants are up now."

Sam turned around and explained, "You didn't report in today and everyone was worried about you." She moved back in the room towards him, "So I came over to check on you. I knocked for ten minutes and you didn't answer. So I let myself in and…" Her eyes drew to his nether regions in his sweats and she blushed covering her eyes again.

"Believe me Carter…" He headed into his closet and assured her, "I'm more embarrassed than you are." Jack grabbed a pair of jeans and changed into them hoping to conceal his aroused condition better.

"Yeah but the vision of your…" She couldn't say it, "is going to be burned in my memory for quite a while Sir." Carter informed him in a distressed tone.

O'Neill then joked, "Look at it this way Carter…you can use it for masturbation material."

"I already do that…" She commented quietly to herself rubbing her eyes with her fingers.

He heard her and smirked smugly. Then he wandered out of the closet and responded, "Did you say something Carter…"

"Uh…No!" Carter knew she should get out of there before things got more mortifying than they were, "I'd better just leave before this situation gets any worse than it is…"

Jack slowly and out of agreed, "Good idea…" He still sounded groggy, "As out of it as I am you'll see me touching myself next."

Sam thought that wouldn't be that bad as long as she got to reciprocate. Before she left she asked, "Are you coming to my party this weekend?"

O'Neill reminded her, "I'm throwing it here Sam…What do you think?" Then he paused and asked, "What do you want me to give you?"

_You…_She thought but then told him, "Something personal from you…" Then she smiled at him and left.

Neither Carter nor O'Neill did know just how personal a gift she was going to get from him.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Stargate SG1, characters, settings etc. are property of their owners. No copyright infringement is intended. Original characters and plots are property of the author. No profit is being made from the fiction.

**A Crude Joke**  
by Adelie King

**Chapter Three: Carter's Party**

Janet Frasier packed the replica of Jack's thing into a box with tissue paper to cushion it. She also wrapped a big blue bow around the shaft of the dildo. Janet thought of putting a note from O'Neill to Carter as a joke but it wouldn't be funny if a court-martial resulted because of it. No…it would be much funnier if she found out after she used it later next April Fools.

She laughed and wrapped the ribbon around the fancy box and headed over to Colonel O'Neill's house. When she got there she put the gift with the rest of the presents on the dining table.

Everyone had arrived and for the last couple hours they were having a great time, especially Sam. Now the time came for her to open her gifts. All of them were gifts she loved. Then Janet Frasier's gift was up.

Carter saw Frasier giggling and she commented, "Why am I afraid to open this Janet?" She glared at her. Everyone watched with anticipation as Carter opened Frasier's gift.

She finally opened the present and saw the dildo in the box next to a vibrator. Sam's arms dropped and she glared at her, "Very funny Janet." She remarked un-amused taking the dildo out of the box for everyone to see.

The whole group laughed out loud the blue bow making them laugh even harder. Sam the added announcing in a joking manner, "And it comes with a vibrator." She held it up next and they laughed again.

"As tense as you've been over the years I felt strongly you needed it…" Janet teased and the group even laughed harder. Sam reacted with a cute grin rubbing her hand in her hair.

"It's still not as good as the real thing." Jack remarked cynically teasing her with a wag of his brows.

"But it's a good substitute." Frasier joked again and laughed with the rest of the group, "If you don't put it to good use. As your doctor I'll know." She reminded her.

"You're so going to pay for this one Janet." Sam shook her head glaring at her.

"And Colonel O'Neill too…" Janet told her, "He helped me with picking the right one out."

O'Neill immediately contradicted, "No I didn't Carter…I had nothing to do with this…" He swore, "I'm not stupid enough to be seen buying that at a porn shop."

"But it's an exact replica of one to make it more realistic." Frasier assured her and looked at Jack grinning at him.

O'Neill's expression changed his eyes widening at what she did. _ She didn't?! _Then he swallowed as he recalled waking up with a priapism and feeling sluggish. His eyes wandered around at the realization of what Sam had. He turned his back to them rubbing his head in disbelief.

"You're so dead Janet." Sam promised her as the group excluding Jack laughed.

Jack swallowed and took a deep breath feeling his heart palpitating. He rubbed his hand down his sweaty face knowing he was going to have to get a look at it now but he didn't know how without them all finding out it in case it was a copy of his.

The present opening ended and it was almost time for Carter's chocolate birthday cake. As they headed into the kitchen O'Neill went over to the presents. His eyes scanned the room to make sure no one was watching before he opened the box. Then he quietly parted the papers out of the way to get a peak at it. Jack looked at the dildo doing a quick examination of it. His eyes grew recognizing it immediately. _THAT BITCH!!! _He swallowed and a glare went across his face. _SHE DID IT ANYWAY!! _Jack started breathing deeply clenching his fists. Then he began to strategize how he was going to get it away from Carter without her knowledge.

Daniel then called from the kitchen, "Come have some cake Jack."

"Coming…" Jack called, quickly recovered the box recomposing himself not to give anything away joining the others in the kitchen to avoid suspicion. The whole time he ate the cake in silence with a feeling of mortification internally which he covered well behaving normally as possible. Jack was also plotting the doc's demise.

At the end of the party all the guests including Carter had left. He sat on his sofa downing his third bottle of Guinness contemplating how to tell Sam before she made a fool out of herself. Either way he was going to suffer the humiliation.

That night Carter immediately used it. She screamed Jack's name when she came imagining it was him as she climaxed. If only she knew the truth. Sam looked at it and thought aloud, "I wonder if Jack's feels as good as this?"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Stargate SG1, characters, settings etc. are property of their owners. No copyright infringement is intended. Original characters and plots are property of the author. No profit is being made from the fiction.

**A Crude Joke**  
by Adelie King

**Chapter Four: Discovering the Truth**

Major Samantha Carter had been using Jack's double for weeks with many satisfactory orgasms imagining it was really his. She'd used it in many possible places and in many creative ways.

The thought of Carter using it irritated Jack especially knowing the practicality that it was a replica of his dick and he envied it. He had to find out for sure and get that thing away from Sam quietly so this prank Frasier pulled wouldn't spread all over the base. He could just picture Hammond's reaction being the worst. O'Neill reasoned that if Janet did do this he had to get rid of the mold before she used it for anything else.

Once he found out, he knew he had to tell Carter which was the right thing to do. So he made plans to sneak into her house and find out also hoping to remove it from the premises.

While Carter was working late O'Neill had let himself into her house and searched for it. He finally found the dildo in her night stand and took it out. Jack turned it in all different directions closely examining it. It looked just like him and everything.

He had to be sure so he undid his pants and freed himself through the fly. Jack held his himself in one hand and the copy in the other comparing them. They were exactly alike. _IT IS MY DICK!!! _He immediately became outraged knowing that Janet took the mold anyway without his knowledge. _WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON HER!!!_

O'Neill heard Carter unlocking the front door. He immediately tucked himself back in his pants and the dildo back in the nightstand. When he heard her footsteps he hid behind her curtains. Sam came inside and started undressing right in front of him.

_Damn if she finds me I'm dead!!! _Jack thought his life was over one moment but now started to believe he was getting lucky as Sam had peeled her solid tee off and was unclipping her bra. His eyes bugged out when her breasts were bared to him. _WOW Holy Shit!! _Jack smiled almost triumphantly wanting to have her so bad.

Carter took her pants and panties off and both O'Neill and his junior figured he was the luckiest man to have a look at a nude Samantha Carter. _Damn she's hot!! _She crawled up on the bed and reached into her nightstand drawer pulling out the dildo. His eyes grew, he swallowed and his cock started to ache as he saw her handling it. Jack covered the bottom half of his face his heart pounding loudly.

Jack knew he should say something but was so paralyzed couldn't. Then suddenly the her cell phone rang. Carter picked it up, "Hi Janet…Yes I'm using right now…"

O'Neill rolls his eyes and shakes his head listening in.

On the phone Janet giggled and said, "Uh Sam…there's something you need to know about that dildo."

"And what is that Janet?" Sam asked irritated.

"It's an exact copy of Colonel O'Neill's dick." She told her laughing, "I made a mold of him while he was asleep one night and copied it."

Carter's eyes grew with rage and she bawled, **"WHAT!!!"**

"You've been doing a replica of his cock and didn't know it…" Janet cackled hysterically on the line, "Neither does he…"

"YOU BITCH!!!" Sam bawled and hung up utterly irate and embarrassed hurling the dildo at her curtains.

"OUCH!!" And it hit Jack O'Neill smack dab right in the balls, "Carter! Watch It!!" He growled coming out from behind her curtains bent over in pain.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Carter demanded grabbing and shielding herself with her king size pillow.

He picked the dildo up and managed to maneuver over to the edge of her bed. "Trying to find out what you obviously did." O'Neill answered her sitting on the edge of her bed in pain and dropping it. "I was here comparing it before you came home to make sure it was me and when you came in I hid."

She picked it up again. "So is it yours Sir?!" Sam demanded holding the replica up in front of him.

"Damn right it is!" He told her, "The length, width, and head all down to the last vein exact to mine!" Jack held himself in pain. She looked at it and let it go disgusted letting fall on the bed.

"I hope you don't treat my real one with the same contempt." He cynically remarked, "I am really good with it." Jack boasted.

Carter got up and went into the bathroom getting her night robe. She came in and recalled, "The day you missed work and I checked on you when your pants were down. I bet Janet did it that night and she sedated you to do it."

"That's why I couldn't get up." Jack tried to stand still holding his groin, "And now I still can't…"

"Hold on a minute Sir…" She went into the kitchen and got him an ice pack out of the freezer. Then she brought it to him, "I'm so sorry Sir."

O'Neill put the ice on his groin and joked, "I finally get to have you naked and I can't get it up."

Sam smiled and laughed. Then she joked back, "Well I can use the other one until I can have it." He couldn't help a small chuckle.

Carter then started to pace and told him, "You know that joke was pretty inventive when you think about it." She walked around rubbing her head debating, "How am I ever going to top this one?"

"We could always make a mold of her tits and hang them all over the base…" Jack suggested in humor.

Carter bent over laughing at his suggestion and lowered to sit on the edge of the bed, "Not good enough…needs more humiliation to it…" They then sat thinking.

O'Neill pointed out, "Technically this has to stay between the three of us so we're the only ones that know."

"First we need to throw her off so she doesn't know it's coming…" Sam stated, "I stay mad she's winning isn't she."

He nodded, "Yep." Then his perverted mind thought up and he joked, "We could always make a copy of Hammond's for her." They die laughing and Carter falls off the bed onto the floor.

"You're bad Sir!" She was crying from laughter, "That's worse than it being yours."

"And General Hammond would probably murder all of us." O'Neill predicted. Then he advised her, "First we need to make out we find it as funny as she did to not arouse suspicion. So you'll need to surrender so she'll stop."

Sam suddenly thought of something clever making her rise to her feet again, "You know it's too bad we can't make her think something really backfired here."

"Like what?" Jack was immediately interested.

Carter turned her head and looked at him with this wicked grin on her face telling him, "Something Janet would never expect."


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Stargate SG1, characters, settings etc. are property of their owners. No copyright infringement is intended. Original characters and plots are property of the author. No profit is being made from the fiction.

**A Crude Joke**  
by Adelie King

**Chapter Five: Retaliation**

"Well first we've got to get that mold of my dick back from her…" Jack brought up, "Before she makes any more copies of me and gives them to people…"

"No." Sam bit her bottom lip as she usual does when she gets an idea.

"No!" O'Neill reacted almost jumping to his feet, "What do you mean 'No' Why?"

"Well we need evidence to give General Hammond of what she's been up to…" Carter grinned wickedly, "Along with the dildo." She picked it up.

Jack yanked it from her loudly contesting, "NO! NO WAY IN HELL!!!" He put it behind his back, "You're not showing a copy of my dick to General Hammond!"

She started following him and he backed away, "I'm not showing him that one Sir!" Sam promised, paused and assured him, "I'm buying another one from the store and telling him it's yours…"

"I don't get it Carter…" He was confused, "What exactly do you have planned?"

"Oh you'll love it I'll guarantee it…" Carter assured him, "Now first we're going to the porn shop to get what we need and then we'll need my digital camera."

"What do we need a camera for Carter?" Jack followed her still holding his duplicate behind his back.

"I'll keep that." She took it away from him and put it in her drawer, "I swear no one will know but me and you."

It took six weeks to do get ready what Carter had in mind but when it was ready she and O'Neill put their plan into action. She told Janet that she'd thrown it away just to make sure Jack didn't find out to throw her off and declared her the winner of their practical joke feud.

The Monday they'd been waiting for finally arrived and O'Neill had what they had been waiting for to show General Hammond. He knocked on the General's office door.

"Colonel, come in…" Hammond granted entrance in his usual way. Jack came in with a very mortified upset look on his face. "What is it Jack? You look upset?"

"Upset is not the word Sir…" He said in a serious deadly tone. "Our CMO has pulled another one again…"

"What has Janet Frasier done this time for a prank?" George asked crossing his fingers on his desk.

"Oh it started out as a prank but now it's escalated to something worse." O'Neill had whatever it was behind his back and he was blushing crimson red.

"What did she do Jack?" Hammond calmly demanded to know.

"You promise to help keep this quiet from the base and confidential Sir?" Jack wanted assurance.

"Of course Jack now please tell me what she did…" Hammond pleaded at this point.

"This." He set a plastic package of a dildo on the center of General Hammond's desk. It was called **AIR FORCE COLONEL DILDO: **_**Exact Replica of an Air Force Colonel's Cock for your pleasure. **_

"Why is there a dildo on my desk Jack?" He asked him disgusted, "A very big dildo on my desk."

"Read the back Sir." O'Neill turned the package around for Hammond to read the back print. He covered his face again as the General read it.

_**This an actual replica of one of the cock belonging to Colonel Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force for those ladies who miss their military boys while their away on duty.**_

Hammond was so revolted the package fell out of his hands on the desk. Jack had his back to him at this point from embarrassment. "They're in the porn shop Sir… in town." He told Hammond.

"Who found this Colonel?" George asked completely flummoxed leaning back in his chair.

"Major Carter Sir…" O'Neill answered with his back still to him, "She called me and brought them over to show me first thing this morning to avoid embarrassment."

"So she bought them all?" Hammond wanted to know.

"Yes Sir…She also told the shop to remove any more copies telling them I did not give consent to this." Jack told him while holding a breath in to keep his composure.

"Are you sure it's you Colonel?" He inquired and looked at it again in shock at the size of it.

"Yes Sir I had to whip it out and both Major Carter and I compared it closely." O'Neill told him beet red embarrassed, "I hope that didn't break the frat regs Sir…"

"Did you two do anything?" George asked.

"No Sir…I could barely keep it up for her to examine…" Jack almost whimpered, "It's hard to keep a hard-on when you think everyone knows what you look like and Carter obviously knows at this point."

"How the hell did this happen, Colonel?" Hammond demanded an explanation exasperated.

Frasier was playing a joke on Carter Sir…" He explained, "She asked me to make a copy of my dick to give to Carter as a joke without Carter knowing."

"And did you go along with this?" The General asked shocked.

Jack turned around and yelled, "What do you think?! I told her 'HELL NO!!' and left her office."

"Then how'd she get it if you didn't do it willingly?" He asked.

"Janet snuck into my home, gave me a sedative and some Viagra, used a mold kit to mold a copy of my….equipment and then left. That was why I missed work that day…" Jack enlightened, "I was hoping I could keep this quiet so no one would ever know."

Hammond was livid with his jaw hitting the floor rubbing his head in disbelief. "That cake must've really made Frasier mad to even fathom doing something like this. Did Carter get it for her present?"

"Yes Sir…you were there and saw it." O'Neill reacted reminding him, "Remember?"

Georges face fell in his hands in outrage, "This is a public humiliation to the United States Air Force!"

"The Air Force!!!" Jack bellowed with his arms waving about, "What about me?! Who knows how many copies of my dick are floating around!!!" He turned around grabbing his head wanting to scream, "So what are we going to do about this General?!"

"I don't have a clue on this one Jack…" Hammond was at a complete loss, "The first thing is we have to do is find out where all those were distributed." He paused and then continued, "Then I've got to call somebody up top." He moved to pick up the phone

"HELL NO YOU"RE NOT!!!!" O'Neill screamed holding the General's hand down, "I already have my dick all over Colorado Springs, possibly the state!! There's no way my dick is becoming national property!!!"

"I need to think of a solution right now Jack…and that's not going to be easy…" A baffled George analyzed the situation.

"You're telling me…" Jack remarked huffing, "Carter is never going to look at me the same again." He drew a breath in and ranted, "I'm not sure I can even look her in the face again." He covered his red face again in humiliation, "Now that she knows what my dick looks like."

"Many women have seen your dick Jack…" Hammond remarked rationalizing.

"Well that's an understatement if I ever heard one!!" O'Neill bellowed and speculated, "Next I'll be offered to be in Penthouse and Playgirl."

"Oh let's not over-exaggerate Jack…" George tried to calm him, "As far as we know Major Carter may have collected the only copies there and if she did she's not going to say anything about it." He took a breath and continued, "Dr. Frasier will have to be reprimanded confidentially to avoid any more embarrassment for all parties involved." He then said, "Right now all we can do is keep quiet and take care of this carefully…understand…"

"Yes Sir…"O'Neill started to calm down.

Hammond then told him sickened, "And will you get this thing off my desk before I lose my breakfast." He gestured to the package with both hands.

Jack removed it and put it back in the bag and left…

Meanwhile Janet Frasier was sitting in her office when Major Carter stormed in slamming the office door pissed. "Janet! Giving me one these was low but I didn't expect you to go this low!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Janet reacted confused.

Sam held up the dildo package in front of her. "These!" **AIR FORCE COLONEL DILDO: **_**Exact Replica of an Air Force Colonel's Cock for your pleasure. **_Carter informed her, "I found these in a porn shop!!" She set it down on Janet's desk roughly.

"Of course you did." Frasier responded calmly with logic, "It's a dildo…they sell them there"

"Did you notice who the dildo is a copy of?!" Sam demanded and showed her the back where it said O'Neill's name. _**This an actual replica of one of the cock belonging to Colonel Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force for those ladies who miss their military boys while their away on duty.**_

Janet almost fell out of her chair when she saw it. Shaking her head she denied, "NO…no… that can't be right Sam…"

"Why?" She demanded with her hands on her hips.

"Because it's too big!!", Frasier defended and then asked crossing her arms, "And how would you know if it was his anyway…You've never seen him…?"

"Yes I have…I had to make a detailed comparison between them." Carter informed her in a loud tone. "The Colonel is mortified Janet!! How would you feel if a copy of your private parts was in a porn shop."

Janet then told her, "There is no way that could've happened Sam…I had the mold at my house the whole time…"

"Did have it!" Sam corrected, "We checked your house…it's gone!!"

"WHAT!!" She flew out of her chair so fast the chair was spinning. As Frasier raced out of the infirmary, Carter burst out laughing falling to the floor.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Stargate SG1, characters, settings etc. are property of their owners. No copyright infringement is intended. Original characters and plots are property of the author. No profit is being made from the fiction.

**A Crude Joke**  
by Adelie King

**Chapter Six: Resolution**

Colonel Jack O'Neill joined Major Samantha Carter in the infirmary soon as he saw Janet Frasier leaving at high speed. "This was so brilliant Carter…I bet she'll never play a prank like this again." He predicted.

"You got the mold didn't you?" Carter asked him worried.

"Yeah…it's at my house and I'm going to destroy the thing as soon as possible." Jack assured her. Then he added, "I can't believe we actually paid the money to have the packaging made and it looks real."

"Yeah Janet believed it but she did mention that you weren't that big Sir." She pointed out.

"Well thank God I'm not or I'd never have a sex life." He remarked.

"So did Hammond believe it?" Sam asked.

"A little too well he was talking about calling the top brass about it." O'Neill got a little nervous, "Thank God that wasn't my dick in the package."

"Yeah I could see Kinsey getting jealous." She teased and they laughed. Then she advised, "I think we should tell Hammond before he calls anyone."

Carter and O'Neill headed to Hammond's office. Jack then wondered, "I wish I could see what the doc is doing now."

Janet Frasier pulled into her driveway and ran into her house. She searched everywhere for the mold and could find it nowhere, "Oh my GOD!! Someone stole it!!" She was so panicked she looked like a chicken with its head cut off. After an hour of searching she was back in her car heading for the porn shop.

Meanwhile General Hammond was in his office still contemplating what to do when Carter and O'Neill came in. The General told them, "Jack, I have no idea what do about this…"

They shut the door and he told him, "You don't have to anything Sir…It was a joke on Frasier."

"WHAT!!!" Hammond rose from his chair furious, "A JOKE!!!"

Carter explained, "Yes Sir…it was for her making the dildo of the Colonel's" She clears her throat, "for my birthday."

"So she actually did do that?" He wanted to know.

"Yes she did…" Sam told him and added, "And I didn't find it a bit funny when she told me after I'd…" She cut herself off just before and then added. "And neither did the Colonel…"

"Well she has to reprimanded for this you know that." Hammond pointed out.

"No you won't" Jack blurted out bluntly but respectfully, "Because if you do everyone will know about this and I will be more even mortified than as it is."

George reconsidered and asked, "So what do you suggest I do to her?"

"Nothing… because she so panicked right now you wouldn't believe," Sam informed him, "Just let her sweat it out a while then we'll tell her."

Hammond actually smiled and asked, "Where is she now?"

"Probably at her house trying to find the mold Colonel O'Neill had already taken." She speculated.

"Do you have it here?" He asked.

Jack reacted, "Hell No! Do you think I'm that stupid?!" He then told him, "It's at my house waiting to be demolished…" Then he looked over at Sam, "Along with the copy made…"

Carter almost sighed with disappointment because she actually wanted to keep it. She scratched the back of her head.

Hammond had to ask worried, "Uh…that really wasn't yours in the package was it Jack?"

O'Neill remarked, "Hell No! We bought some from the porn shop and changed the packaging!! Do you honestly think I'd make a copy of my dick, put it in a package and sell it?"

"Well…If this was really you…maybe," The General commented.

Carter started laughing and O'Neill glared at her and she immediately recomposed herself.

"I know I have an ego Sir but there's even a line I draw." He told him flat out.

Sam had to cover her mouth and she was turning red about to die from laughter. She then asked looking up, "So I wonder where Janet is now?"

Janet Frasier just arrived in the porn shop parking lot squealing her tires. She got out panicked and practically ran inside. When she got in the door she immediately stopped to walk and caught her breath to calm herself.

She went up to the toy section and checked out the dildos. Janet couldn't find Jack's anywhere so she went up to a young woman who worked there, "Excuse me, did you have any dildo's either removed or recalled from the store recently?"

"Not that I'm aware of ma'am or I would've been notified by the manager…" The employee told her and asked, "Is there a problem?"

"Yes, the product may have been a mold illegally taken from one of our distinguished officers in the Air Force…" Frasier explained to the gal, "I heard it was being sold here without his consent."

The girl immediately went to get the manager. He came out quickly in shock, "Are you sure about this?"

"That's what she told me Sir." The girl told the manager as they walked to Frasier.

The manager asked Frasier, "Were these actually made?"

"Yes…I saw the package myself. It even had his name on the back…" Janet informed him, "And I was told by another officer she found it here."

The manager and the girl looked at each other confused. He then asked, "What was the product called?"

"**AIR FORCE COLONEL DILDO: **_**Exact Replica of an Air Force Colonel's Cock for your pleasure." **_Janet told him.

"I don't recall a dildo of that name but I'll check the computer." The manager led her over to his computer and started looking up his product list. "No…according to this the product doesn't even exist ma'am."

Frasier's hands went to her hips, "It doesn't huh…"

"I think someone was playing a prank on you…" The manager suggested and then told her, "We deal with jokes like this all the time but this is the best I've ever heard." He started laughing.

Janet was livid, "THAT BITCH!!" She stormed out of the store relieved but pissed at the same time.

The young woman asked him, "Do you think that was the joke the blond was referring to that bought out that one brand of dildos?"

Within an hour Janet Frasier returned to Cheyenne Mountain pissed at Carter for this one and it was brilliant. She stormed around looking for Sam and finally found them in Hammond's office.

"Back sooner than we expected doc" O'Neill smiled smugly.

"That was nasty Sam!" Janet barked, "You had me running all over town!!!" Then she demanded, "Where the hell is the mold?"

"I have it!" Jack crossed his arms informing her, "And I'm destroying it soon as I get home!"

Hammond finally interjected, "Doctor! That was a sleazy joke to play on Major Carter!! What on earth even made you consider doing something like that?!" He demanded, "Making a copy of the Colonel's privates and giving it to her!"

"She gave me a cake with a dick on it for my birthday Sir!" Frasier defended, "You think I was going to let her beat me that easily!"

"Well it looks like she just did to me!" Hammond observed and then ordered, "And now this ends!! No more jokes!!" He then looked at Sam glaring, "Both of you!!" George was livid and told Janet, "I'm still trying to think of a way to reprimand you for this!!"

"But nothing happened…" Frasier defended, "Carter had the package made…Nobody saw it but us!!" She paused and told them, "Damn that thing looked real."

"It cost us a mint too." O'Neill mentioned.

"I knew it was too big to be yours Colonel!" Frasier spat at him, "And I knew Sam couldn't possibly take one that large!!"

Carter's jaw dropped to the floor. Hammond covered his face with his hand getting fed up with this and finally barked, "Get out of my office!!!" He breathed and finished, "I don't want to hear any more!!!"

They left quickly and shut the door behind them. Janet, Jack and Sam were petrified and headed somewhere private. Frasier than complemented her, "That was brilliant Sam. I didn't think you could top what I did but that was brilliant." She was impressed, "I couldn't beat that one if I tried."

"Carter just proved her genius again." Jack stated impressed and laughed, "The look on you and Hammond's faces."

"You heard the General Janet…no more jokes like that!" Carter reminded her and told her, "Let's keep them clean and less cruel from now on."

Frasier told her with relief, "Agreed…I never want to go through this again…" She sighed and headed to the infirmary.

Carter and O'Neill got on the elevator and then she shyly asked, "Do you think I can keep...?"

"NO!" He quickly and firmly answered, "The only one you're going to have is the real one from now on Carter?" He paused and promised, "And it's going to feel a hell of a lot better I assure you." He raised his eyebrows and grinned at her, "Starting tonight…"

The elevator opened and he stepped off leaving her in anticipation for that evening and forever.

**The End**


End file.
